The Pirate Rap

2005

In real life, I’m a pirate.
The progeny of Roberts
Black Bart—
The gentleman and robber
and I can trace that shit back to the big ship
for generations and you got to admit it:
You can’t negotiate with that kind of status.
Fuck with me and I will find your address
so you can get a taste of my kind of madness—
Learn all about pain I got plenty of practice, ‘cuz
Four-score and seven years ago
my forefathers got out on parole
and went and stole the biggest boat that they could find
and headed down to the Gulf of Mexico.
Dropped anchor fifty miles from N’awlins.
I may be small but I’m like Henry Rollins.
I’ll kick your ass while looking like Sophia Loren
and push you off the plank if you ain’t walkin’.

You just a goddamn bitch:
flat ass and no tits		
with them big hips
givin’ that uptown bullshit.
That don’t fly below the Mason Dixon Line
with the hicks with twelve-inch dicks.
I’m sick of this Yankee shit.				
      “I don’t lick slit!
       Not even of the girls who are raised in the South—
       the G.R.I.T.S.
       Quick! Someone call an ambulance!
       I can’t find my dick!”
while my hometown boys could hide behind their shit.

‘Cuz there’s not much to do on a typical day
when you live along the coastline down in F-L-A, but
smoke and surf and fuck and surf and smoke
and fuck and surf and 
smoke and smoke and smoke.

Honestly,
I hate these fucking city hos.
Bad attitude and a turned up, pointy nose.
She’s wearing hose that shows through the little holes
of her sandals—
Yeah, she got the open-toes.
She wearin’ tights,
even though it’s not that cold.

But who knows?
It fucken blows my mind—
I’m telling you all the time:
The beauty and manners of the South- to Mid-Atlantic.
Out in Atlanta
where it’s so hot the plants grow 
five feet taller than what’s considered normal.
Go walk the beaches of Sanibel
with the shells and the southern belles
who in a soft voice will tell 
you that you’ll go to Hell and then she makes sure
as she walks down the shore 
like Venus DeMilo.
You can’t imagine but I know.

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